Diary of a Major Depressive Episode

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Diary of a Major Depressive Episode

Tuesday 4/9/13

I have been in a low lately.
A low, low, low.
I haven’t felt this low since…I can’t remember.

I went to my psychologist Friday who told me he’s never seen me this depressed.  I’d never cried in his office before.  He said the good part of being bipolar is that I can write and be creative and all that, but it’s hard to see it as a blessing when the nature of the beast is to hit the depressive episode.  He said I won’t come out of this on my own.  I need stronger medication.  I’d currently only been on a mood stabilizer.  He suggested I get on an antidepressant. 

 I called my dr., and I picked up a prescription for Cymbalta.  Four days in, I was experiencing severe side effects.  Couldn’t sleep.  Restless legs.  Restless, period.  Up all night long, every night.  Staring at the TV until 6 a.m.  Horrible dry mouth, sweating, nervous evergy, pacing around the house 50 times a minute.  Nauseted.  I couldn’t eat.

Just.  Bad.

So today I started Wellbutrin and Abilify and I pray to God it works.  I need something that works.  I can’t spend my days lying in bed, wanting to die.  Crying.  Feeling awful in every possible way.  Unless you’ve experienced it, it won’t make sense.  But it’s the worst feeling in the world.  The worst feeling I’ve felt.
Wellbutrin seemed to help me in the past…it did seem to exacerbate my anxiety, but I’m hoping we can find something to help with that.  I need to find the right meds for me.  It’s affecting my whole family.

Thank God for Andy, who’s been amazing while I’m going through this.  I’ve been praying constantly that I come out of it sooner than later.  I hate it.

I hate depression.

Hate it.   Hate it.  Hate it.

I can’t stress that enough.  It’s the worst.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Yesterday I didn’t want to go with my mom to pick out new jeans for me.  I didn’t want Chinese food when she offered– my favorite.  I didn’t even want to pick out flooring with Andy to redo my office basement.  

That’s how depression is.  

You exist.  You are hollow.  A shell of a person.  You breathe.  You don’t, you can’t do much else.  There is no motivation.  No drive.  No kind of drive in any area.  
It’s never been this bad.

Things that would normally excite you, don’t.  Nothing does.
The fact that I can bring myself to write this…something I haven’t been able to bring myself to do for days – is a feat.  I walked the dog today.  That’s nothing, right?  For someone battling a deep, dark depression, that’s climbing Mt. Everest.  I didn’t think I had it in me.  But I finally did get out of bed.  I did manage, though it took all day, to drink the smoothie Andy made me.

I want this cloud to lift, and I’m sure it’ll take time.  But I just want my life back.  I want to enjoy life and feel like a good mom and wife.  I hope and pray it happens soon.

Lately I feel like I need Andy around.  I hate when he leaves.  I need him here with me.  I don’t know if this is part of the depression, but I feel so sad when he’s gone.  I’m so needy right now.  

It’s like I want to isolate myself, but when I do, I feel so, so alone. And sad.  And guilty.  A burden.  I’m a burden to everyone.  I’m not a good wife, I’m not a good mom…they deserve better…why am I here?  Then the tears start falling.  Once I go down this seemingly inevitable line of thinking, there’s no turning back.  I just want to learn to stop myself before I head down that road.  I used to be able to be alone and be okay.  And be with my family and be okay.

What happened?

Somewhere in the early wife/motherhood/alcoholic blur we learned that I’m bipolar.  That’s what happened. It just seemingly hit like a tornado.  

And I want to learn to calm the storm.


Wednesday 4/10/13

I started to get a really bad headache yesterday…like a migraine.  Nothing would make it go away.  I still had it this morning.  I took a nap and it’s gone for now…I hope it stays that way, because it was really bad.  I did read that that can be an initial side effect of Wellbutrin, though.

Right now I feel pretty sad and lonely.  I’m trying to use this alone time to rest and get better and focus on the positive, but my mind always gravitates the other way…

At least the weather matches my mood today…it’s overcast and rainy.  Most people like sunny days.  For me, that’s just more pressure to “be happy.”  It probably sounds weird to most people.
I’m also feeling some nausea and anxiety…anxiety was the only reason I went off Wellbutrin in the past.  I’m hoping it subsides and I can manage it this time, as this is the medication so far that seems to work the best for me. Just trying to calm myself down on my own right now, until I can get my Ativan refilled.  I’d taken a little extra recently to try and help me sleep, as nothing was working.  

I’m really crossing my fingers that this combination works.  I can’t keep living like this.  I have lost the seven pounds I gained over the winter, from medication or overeating or whatever the reason, so I should be happy about that, right?  I have no appetite.  Depression is great for weight loss. I’ve been eating nothing but soup and smoothies.  It’s all I can manage right now.

This thunderstorm today is good for me, though.  I love them.  I love the sounds, the gray clouds and lightning, the smell…they always help me.  Like the Garbage song, “I’m Only Happy When it Rains”…that’s sorta me.  Only not intentionally.  If that makes sense.

I look like hell.  I have zero desire to try and look presentable in any way.  I’m kinda hoping I get that desire back at some point.

Thursday 4/11/13

I woke up again with a headache.  I took some medicine and went back to sleep and it seems to be gone.  I am just so exhausted.  And I look exhausted.  I’m trying to find the motivation to shower.
  The kids cheer me up.  I did some fun stuff with Adele last night and today I’ve been playing with Eleanor while Adele’s at school.  I still feel overall unmotivated and pretty crabby, but maybe I’m coming out of it.  Whenever I take my prescription in the morning, I start to feel pretty anxious not long afterward.  I’ve been trying to find ways to cope with this until the medicine adapts to my system and/or I can get some more Ativan.  It’s a pretty horrible feeling, though.

It’s still gray and rainy out, which is good when I feel like this.  I still don’t really feel like getting ready or going anywhere…I wonder when that desire returns.  I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday and she thought I sounded better.
I just keep telling myself it will get better…I can get through this…even though at times it doesn’t feel that way at all.  I have to believe that.

I’d been wanting nothing but silence lately, but I started listening to music again yesterday.  I can’t really stand to have the TV on during the day.  There’s nothing on, and it makes me anxious.  I generally don’t turn it on until Friends reruns start at night.  Those seem to calm me down.  It’s more background noise than anything. 
 I’m just crossing my fingers that I’m getting better, day by day.