The Heart of the Matter

by


I’ve been thinking…I know, scary.  I have a hard time letting go.  Okay, that’s an understatement.  I have a really hard time letting go.  I still miss our old house and feel violated by the people who live there now.  It’s been like two years, by the way.  And that’s nothing compared to how long it takes me to get over people.  Not necessarily ex-boyfriends, but friends.  Friends drift apart in life.  It apparently happens.  It just takes me a long time to come to terms with it.

I don’t like to think that I hold grudges…I mean, I don’t want to…but there are things that happened a long time ago that still upset me when I think about them.  I want to learn to move past stuff and let it go…let it be.  Forgive.  It’s hard for me.

I know logically that holding grudges and holding on to negative feelings is only hurting me, and doing nothing to the person who’s upset me.  I just need to make that logic take over my emotions and really understand it.  I envy people who can just “let things roll off their back.”  I only wish I were that way.

In doing some reading of positive psychology lately, I’m seeing that there are ways to change oneself.  Sometimes I wonder how much can be changed and how much are core personality traits.  
I think of the Serenity Prayer daily.  I know that helps me.  It makes so much sense.  I think this is something a lot of people struggle with…knowing what can be changed and what can’t.  I wish life came with an instruction manual.

I’m trying not to let things bother me…things beyond my control…other people’s behavior or opinions of me.  I want to be confident in my own skin.  I think I’m better than I used to be…but not where I want to be yet.

In order to achieve happiness, I have to learn to let go of the past…of the negative…of the actions of others that really say nothing about me and everything about them.  Does this come naturally to some people, or does everyone have to work on this?  For me, it comes down to the Don Henley song (I tend to like the India.Arie version, though.)  Anyway, it’s about forgiveness.  Forgiving others and forgiving yourself.  Maybe that’s the hardest part.
I know I rely on feedback too much.  If I’m not getting positive feedback, I always assume the worst.  I guess I need to adopt the adage that no news is good news.

I kind of thought by this age I’d know who I am.  Maybe it’s not about age.  I think some people can go their whole lives trying to figure themselves out.  My goal is to find the answer sooner rather than later.  I think if I can forgive myself for the bad things I’ve done, I might forgive others more easily, and discover myself beneath the layers of the past.  It’s about forgiveness.

I’m working on it.