Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I Love/Hate Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg has both greatly enriched - and ruined - my life.

Facebook is one of my addictions. It’s no secret to anyone. It’s awesome to stay in touch with high school and college friends who I never would otherwise. I enjoy seeing what people are up to, what they ended up doing with their lives, what their children look like. I also love to write, and I love to make people laugh. So it’s perfect for me.

Sometimes.

I love Facebook. And I hate Facebook. As much as it has the power to elevate my mood, it has the same power to crush it. It makes me feel good to entertain people. I’m sarcastic in my everyday life, and I just update Facebook the way I talk. I’d prefer to be with friends in person, having a conversation, but since that’s not feasible with our busy lives, jobs, and kids, a social network will have to do. So I’ve become addicted. It’s hard for me to ignore a notification. I want to respond to it. Right away. And then they keep coming, and coming…

I’m a people pleaser. I wish I weren’t. I’ve been trying to change this my whole life. I want everyone to like me. Logically, I know that’s not possible. Not everyone likes Oprah, and I can’t even fathom that. So I should know not everyone is going to like me. I mean, I’m not giving away cars or Uggs for no reason at all.

I feel good about every “like” or positive comment I get on a status update. It gives me a rush, which fuels the addiction. At the same time, when something “bad” happens, like I notice a friend has deleted me, I feel like a knife has been shoved through my heart.

 Not so much when it’s someone I didn’t know too well, but definitely when it’s a person who I’d considered a real friend.
I’ve been told Facebook isn’t “real life,” but I don’t know what that means. My updates are things that I’d actually say, which is part of my personality and who I am, so to me, a person deleting me is his or her way of saying he or she doesn’t like me. I know I’m overly sensitive. I am. I take everything personally.

I know part of this mindset comes from being bipolar, which has been described as “having no skin.” So everything hurts me. When I’m manic, I update Facebook. A lot. It’s like I can’t stop. I used to drink. I used to smoke. Now I write little snippets detailing stuff my kids say or observations about random happenings throughout the day. I’m sure I annoy people. I know I must take up some people’s entire newsfeed. Still…

I can’t stop.

I’ve taken breaks. It’s hard. Every time I get a thought in my head that I think is funny or clever, it’s like I’m bursting at the seams to let it out. I’m not sure why. But on the upside, at least this addiction isn’t destroying my lungs or liver.

What I’d really like to do is get a hold on my addictive personality. It’s always been there. If I could manage it better, maybe I could relax and not feel as strong of an urge to update this social network as often as I do. Maybe I could begin to learn that not everyone likes me, and that’s okay. Maybe. Or maybe I should start Facebookers Anonymous. Yeah. 

I’m gonna go make an update about that.


leave a comment
Friday, August 23, 2013

Why I'm Stressed...But Dancing in the Kitchen Helps


I am stressed.

I won’t go into all the reasons.  But there are lots of reasons.
Besides being bipolar, I also have generalized anxiety disorder.  Usually the bipolar disorder takes center stage, but sometimes the anxiety jumps into the spotlight.  Like now.

It’s just been one thing after another.  A few things that I’ve taken personally.  A few things that have simply been irritating.  In the end, lots of few things that have caused me to be rather irritable and snappy.  I’ve called Andy a few names.  (I never mean it.  I always apologize.  I love you, Andy.)  The dogs barking at every blessed thing out the window doesn’t help. The “MOMMY!”  “MOMMY!”  “MOMMY!”  doesn’t help.  I’ve been uptight.  

Jittery.

A basket case.

There are just so many things on my mind right now…mostly dealing with the future.  And fear.  It really boils down to fear.  What if things don’t work out the way I’m envisioning them?  What if all this work is for nothing?  What will people think?
Right now I am probably in a mixed state.  This has been going on for the past few days.  It’s like I’m restless with this neverending energy, yet at the same time, I’m exhausted.  It’s weird.  It’s anxiety.

So what do I do?  

I try to sort out my brain…go through one problem at a time and attempt to resolve it.  When I try to organize everything into compartments, I feel better.  Better than when it’s a giant, jumbly mess in my head.

I take deep breaths.  I inhale deeply and exhale for a long time.  I look around and appreciate the pretty trees and the fresh air I’m breathing.

I spend time in the garden.  I pick tomatoes and just take in the scent – of the dirt, the leaves, the tomatoes.  I love it.
 I take bike rides and listen to my music and sing and dance.  (I can’t really get my whole body into it, but I can do some intense shoulder dancing.  The cornfields don’t judge.)  I love the breeze blowing through my hair and grazing my face as I ride.  I love the serene surroundings I’m taking in, the sun coming up, old barns (my favorite), wildflowers along the side of the road.  This all helps to melt my stress away, if only temporarily.

I play with my kids.  We snuggle when watch movies like Dumbo and talk about the animals and the sad parts.  We read books.  We play with blocks and color with sidewalk chalk.  We bake brownies or cookies or muffins.  We paint.  We color.  We take bike rides.  We dance in the kitchen.  I love it when we dance.

Playing with my kids is the best stress reliever.

It really is.  I forget about everything else.  And looking at them, I realize all the issues on my mind are really not that important.  Kids don’t have a care in the world.  They’re happy-go-lucky and just want to play.  Have fun.  And that’s what I should focus on more.

My worries aren’t the end of the world.  It will all be okay.  Life is just too short!  I have to remind myself of that more often.  Maybe I’ll tattoo it on my body.  Hmmm…for real!

The point is, yeah, I’m stressed out right now, but I have to let it go.  I have to focus on all the amazing blessings in my life.  We will encounter challenges and obstacles in life.  Things that will test our patience and sanity.  We just have to be strong enough to pass these tests and realize that everything will be okay.  

When the perfect song comes on while I’m riding my bike, when I take in a beautiful sunrise, when I draw hearts and stars on the sidewalk with my children, I’m not thinking about my stress.  I’m thinking that everything will be okay.  And it will.  I know it will.

In the end, everything will be okay.


leave a comment

About Me

I have an MA in literature from Eastern Michigan University and I write a couple of regular columns for The Delphos Herald. I am the mother of two young girls, and the wife of a firefighter. I am also bipolar (with generalized anxiety disorder) which somewhat accounts for my occupied mind. I rely on sarcasm the way others rely on oxygen.
Powered by Blogger.