Friday, August 16, 2013

Dear 17-Year-Old Self


I am 34 years old.  Looking back, I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.  

Made mistakes.  Collected regrets.  

Live and learn.  

But if I could, what would I tell my 17-year-old self, now that I am twice that age?

Dear 17-Year-Old Self,

Stop worrying about how you look.  You look great.  You will come to accept your nose (most days) and you will learn to love your body (most days), even after you’ve used it to grow two babies.  Even though it might not look as good as “before” kids, just knowing what it’s been through, especially when you look at your children, will make you love it even more.  Eventually looks will become less important, and it’s liberating when that starts to happen.  How you look is not nearly as important as how you act, treat others, and treat yourself.

Don’t freak out over not knowing what you want to be when you grow up.  Everything will fall into place, even though you will become very impatient.  Just keep persevering and try to have a positive attitude, even though that doesn’t come naturally to you.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  You’ll get there.
Don’t get a credit card.  Ever.  

Even though you are completely turned off by the idea of marriage and children, somewhere down the road the idea of both will appeal to you.  Try not to become too jaded before this happens.  Keep an open mind when it comes to these things.  That way, when the opportunity presents itself, you won’t run for the hills.  You will hang around to see what happens.  When you find your gut telling you, ‘This is the one!’ don’t talk yourself out of it or convince yourself this can’t possibly be the right man for you because marriage isn’t for you.  Don’t push him away or break his heart.  He is the one.  Let him love you.

Don’t use a tanning bed.  Ever. 

Don’t beat yourself up too badly after every night of blacked-out binge drinking.  At the time, it will always feel like the end of the world.  And sometimes you’ll think it really is.  But trust me, this will all happen for a reason.  If you don’t go through all this and finally hit rock bottom, you won’t end up with a story to tell.  And a book deal.  And in the end, you will have both.

Don’t smoke.  Ever.

Stop being so afraid to face what you know deep down is true.  You know something’s not quite “right” with you.  You know you get unusually depressed for no apparent reason, and you know you become too happy sometimes.  And it doesn’t make sense.  You’ve felt this way for as long as you can remember, and you think maybe it’s just your personality.  Except it gets worse and worse…more and more intense…more obvious.  You’re just not ready to face it.  You’re not comfortable or confident enough in yourself yet to admit this.  Going to a psychiatrist at this age seems unfathomable.  You think everyone will think you’re crazy.  Forget about what they think.  Help yourself as soon as you can.  Because you definitely won’t care what they think in a few years anyway.
Break up with that douchebag you date in college long before 3 ½ years of your life go by.

Use protection.  Except for the time when you get pregnant with Adele, because she will turn out to be the best thing to happen to you in life up until that point.  So go ahead and play with fire there.  But otherwise, use protection.

You’ve always wanted to live in a big city – New York, to be exact – but don’t get too bummed out if this dream never manifests.  In the words of John Lennon, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”  You might end up worlds away from NYC, but you might also end up happier than you could ever possibly imagine.  You will surprise yourself.  Right now you can’t picture finding any solace being surrounded by cornfields…
Life has a funny way of working out.  

Break it off with that other douchebag who strings you along for far too long.  It hurts; it really hurts, but he doesn’t care about you.  Another 3 ½ years of your life you’ll never get back.
When it comes to friends, you are a very trusting person.  You trust people until they give you a reason not to.  It sucks, but don’t be so trusting.  Be a little guarded.  You don’t need to throw everything out there to everyone.  There will always be people who use it against you.  People who you thought were friends.  You’ll go through a lot of pretty horrible situations.  But you will come out stronger on the other side.  And you’ll learn something.
In general, don’t stress out.  Try to relax.  Let go.  Enjoy life.  Appreciate the moment.  Dance more.  Sing in the shower more.  Be crazy.  Don’t care about what they think.  Have more confidence.  Be open to love.

And for God’s sake, don’t get that piercing.  Or that other one.

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Friday, August 9, 2013

A Humbling Experience at Dollar General


I’m pretty sure the rock bottom of my life just occurred when my check was declined at Dollar General.  

I had a plethora of items, some I was pretty excited about, like energy drinks and air freshener.  (It doesn’t take much for me.)  So I was in line to pay, got up there and gave her my check.  Declined.  What?  I just used a check there like a week ago.  She tried it again.  Declined.  Again.  Declined.  I used one of Andy’s checks he’d given me (he’s a brave man) and it was also declined.  Now by this point, a long line of people had formed behind me, some impatiently tapping their feet, uncomfortably shifting their items in their arms, giving me the death stare.  My face was as red as what I would soon need the Tampax for that I was attempting to buy.  (Oh, get over it.  Women have periods.  Grow up.)  

So in my mind, if their little check machine thingamajig was declining checks from two different banks, wouldn’t you assume that it’s the machine’s fault and not the check’s fault?  Well, I would.  But Dollar General employees would not.  So my bags full of wonderful finds and a few necessities sat at the register, and I asked if they could hold them for a while, thinking I’d go home and get cash from my doting, understanding husband.  The Dollar General lady said they could hold the stuff for basically an hour.  How generous of them.  At this point, another DG employee swept in and abruptly told me she had to cancel my transaction and use the register for other customers.  I weaved my way through the line of ready-to-pay customers, my face bright red, feeling their eyeballs burning into me, judging me.  I pushed my cart away and got the hell out of there where I could breathe again.

I felt humiliated, disappointed, pissed…I called Andy, who got way more pissed than I was.  He dropped several f-bombs and said he was going to go to Dollar General and “talk to them.”  I begged him not to.  Still, he ranted and raved about it the whole night.
I went to two stores after that and used checks with no problem.  This angered me even more.  I wanted to stop back in Dollar General with my purchases from Chief and Family Dollar and, like a low-budget redneck version of Pretty Woman, show them I’d spent my money elsewhere.  But instead I drove home and wistfully wondered what might have been had I been able to purchase that Sunflowers and Sunshine air freshener from Dollar General.

At the time of the “incident,” I felt like taking all of my aggression out on my punching bag.  By the time I got home, though, I was pretty much over it.  I wanted to take a walk.  The kids were at my parents’, so Andy and I took a long walk and talked.  He, as I said, was not over it, and angrily spouted off about it for a while until I reassured him that it was not the end of the world.  Things like that happen to everyone once in a while.  It was a humbling experience.  I survived.  I won’t shop there anymore, but I survived.  I actually find it quite funny now.  So a bunch of people in line at Dollar General think I’m poor white trash who can’t afford to buy my Tampax.  Well, it’s true.  So what?  It’s funny.  Life is funny.  This gave me another story to tell.  It’s all good.

Although…I did send a nastygram to Dollar General…and felt a whole lot better.  


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Friday, August 2, 2013

I Have Nothing.

Writer’s block.

I hate when it happens.  I don’t know why it happens.  I’m trying to find the cure.

There is not a creative spark in my being.  Nothing inspires me.  I have to write.  I have to.  But nothing.  I have nothing.

I pace around the house, desperately hoping something will come to me, something will fly into my brain and trigger an amazing idea, but…nothing.

Nothing.

I’m not particularly depressed, I’m just blank.  Completely blank.  I have no ideas, no creativity.  How do I get it back?

I go for a bike ride, thinking the release of endorphins or scenery along the way will produce at least a thought that I can turn into a piece of writing.  I love the feeling of the breeze on my face, of the smell of the cornfields and freshly cut grass.  I gaze at the spacious farm houses surrounded by so much open land, and dream of living there one day.  I stare at the wildflowers along the road, in hues of purple, yellow, and white, visited by the occasional butterfly.  I love the open road, and looking up at the cloud formations in the sky.  I feel at peace.  I am at peace, but still…

Nothing.

I still have no writing ideas.

I come home and listen to some music, thinking maybe a song or lyric might grab me in some way and inspire me to write.  No.  I am still blank.  I’m starting to get frustrated.  Why am I not inspired?  Where is that spark that I so need in order to do what I was meant to do?  Sometimes it’s there, and it’s there in a big way, in a way I can’t even keep up with.  And other times, like now, it’s nowhere to be found.  It’s hiding.  Where, I don’t know…and how to get it back…that’s the question.

I’m pretty sure every writer experiences this.  I know I’m not alone here.  I’d like to know how other writers get themselves out of this, if there are any tricks or methods that I haven’t tried yet.  I’ve tried a lot.  I’ve Googled and tried everything the articles said to do.  I’m wondering if it’s just, like a wave of depression, something you have to ride out.  It will pass.  I’ll still work on it and try to figure it out, but I have confidence in knowing that I will feel that spark once again soon.

If you go through this, I want to know what you do to fix it.  I’d love to hear about it.  I can’t wait to be inspired again.  Because now, I am inspired by…

Nothing.

But, wait.  Nothing is what this blog entry is about, so I guess that’s something, right?  I’m writing about writer’s block, but I’m still writing.  Plus…I went to the psychiatrist today and asked if I can interview her for my blog.  She said yes!  So I already have a new blog topic lined up.  I also told her about the blank feeling, and she made some an adjustment with one of my prescriptions.  So I’m hopeful that the creative spark will come back.  So what am I worried about?

Nothing.


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Friday, July 26, 2013

Why I'm Feeling Better

I’ve improved a lot over the past few weeks.  Some of it, I know, is due to changes in my medication.  And then some of it, I also know, is due to changes I’ve made.

I was crying multiple times a day and feeling suicidal when I last saw my psychiatrist.  It wasn’t a good place to be.  I felt hopeless and was pretty sure no changes in my medication would work.  I was a lost cause.

My psychiatrist did make some adjustments, however, and I started feeling better pretty quickly.  Maybe part of it was placebo.  I don’t care.  I just wanted to feel better.

I slowly started to make some changes on my own, as I felt better from the meds.

I started exercising.  I take long bike rides, go to karate, lift free weights, and take walks.  I’m not always super motivated to do it, but as soon as I do, I feel better.  Being outside more makes me feel better, too, getting some sun and fresh air.  Exercise is what makes me feel the best of anything I can do.  It releases endorphins and takes the place of drinking.  Plus there’s no hangover.

I’ve been eating better.  I still eat whatever I want, in moderation.  I’ve cut back on sugar, though, and I’m eating more vegetables and fruit.  I never used to eat breakfast, but I’ve been doing that because I have to take one of my morning medications with food.  I’ve also been taking vitamins.  We have a garden, and I love picking tomatoes.  I love the smell of a tomato garden.  It’s amazing.  It’s therapeutic to spend time there.  I eat the tomatoes straight from the garden, or I use them on salads or make salsa.  We have cherry and Roma tomatoes.  We grow other stuff in the garden, but the tomatoes are my favorite.

I also drink tea all day.  I am obsessed.  I drink black tea in the morning, and then green or herbal tea the rest of the day.  I have a million different flavors so I don’t get bored.  I try to drink a lot of water on its own, too, but that can get old.  So tea helps me stay hydrated.

Another thing I’ve done is quit the electronic cigarette.  I was using it 24/7 because I could, pumping my body full of nicotine all day long.  I also had severe insomnia, and I wanted to see if the e-cig had anything to do with it.  Now that it’s been about a month since I quit, I am sleeping at night without any sleep medication for the first time in years.  I think getting on somewhat of a schedule has helped with that, too.

I’ve been reading some positive psychology books, which has helped.  I’ve been setting some goals for myself.  I try to appreciate each moment as I play with my kids, and try to appreciate what I have and my surroundings.  My husband and I have been having some meaningful conversations, which I have to say, hasn’t happened in a long time - and that just makes every other aspect of our relationship so much better, at least for me…so that’s wonderful!

It’s a great feeling to feel good.  I haven’t felt this way since…I can’t remember…and part of me doesn’t want to talk about it for fear of jinxing it.  Hopefully that’ll go away with time.  And hopefully this good feeling lasts.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

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Saturday, July 20, 2013

In This Moment, I Feel Great


I had to see the sunrise.

As I stared at the clock, 6 a.m., I felt that I should get up and take my bike ride now, because something unnamed within me wanted, needed, to see the sunrise.

So instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, as I normally would if I’d woken that early, I jumped out of bed.  For some reason there was a sense of urgency within me, telling me to hurry.  I ran around and threw on some gym shorts and a tank top, piled my hair in a bun, and swallowed my morning medications.  Then – where were my headphones?  I always kept them in the same place; where were they?  I scrambled around, searching for them, becoming impatient.  I found a different pair and ran outside to get on my bike.

It was such a foreign feeling to be awake at this hour, and not because I was still awake from the night before.  The air was crisp and cool, the town was still asleep.  The sun had not yet risen.  It was that perfect part of the day, the quiet, still interval between night and day.

I felt the cool breeze on my skin as I rode through town, turning onto the same road I always do to head into the country.
Once I turned the corner, I could see in the distance the faint beginning of the sunrise, not quite yet visible, but getting ready to make its appearance.  For some reason, I felt a stirring of excitement, a tingling throughout my whole body.  Seeing this sunrise felt…meant to be.

Then I saw an orange glow surrounded by yellow and pink hues, peeking out beyond the horizon.  It was beautiful.  I parked my bike on the side of the road to take a picture.  It was breathtaking, with the rays of light shining upon the dewy grass, sparkling like diamonds.  All the crops were also dripping with morning dew, and the sun shone on them, making the landscape sparkle.  Everything was illuminated.

I stared at the entire scene a while, soaking it all in, loving the feeling of being completely alone with nature, yet feeling completely surrounded at the same time.

I eventually got back on my bike and started pedaling again as the sun slowly rose higher.  I didn’t stop watching it, appreciating what this bright orb did to everything its rays touched.
I had to stop and take another picture; the scenery just grabbed me again.  The sun was getting higher now.  I rode along some more and took one final picture.  It was just too dazzling not to.

I decided that would be the end of the pictures and I would take my bike ride.  I rode along, listening to my iPod, whizzing by the cornfields that surrounded me on both sides, loving how the sun continued to beautify everything it touched.  I was feeling invigorated, free, light – I wasn’t thinking about anything.  
And suddenly I noticed that.

I felt happy.  My mind felt blank.  I was just being.  I wasn’t doing or thinking.

I felt great.

And that is when my wonderful mind started thinking.  All the familiar thoughts began seeping in, and I started to feel weaker, my chest caving in, my stomach in knots – what always happens when these thoughts overtake me.  I really need to work on myself.  I care too much about what other people think.  What if no one likes my book?  What if I’m not a good writer?  What if I don’t get into school?

What if, what if, what if?

In the midst of my mental downward spiral, I looked at the sun, and realized it was following me.  It was getting brighter and brighter, higher and higher, bigger and bigger.  I kept riding along as I noticed this, when I was interrupted by another voice, stronger than mine.

What are you doing?!  You were just having an amazing, carefree moment.  Why are you ruining it?  You were happy.  These thoughts will be here later.  Right now, dismiss them, and enjoy this moment.

In this moment, you feel great.
In this moment, I do feel great, I told myself.  Why am I ruining it?!  

Although the negative thoughts kept coming, I watched them pass right in front of me and stopped entertaining them.  I kept looking at the sun, and it was as if  an entity outside of myself was telling me something.  

Something true.

I don’t know if it was God, or some sort of higher power, or nature, or the sun itself, but it really hit me.  I began to feel lighter again, the weight slowly lifting from my chest, the knots in my stomach unraveling. 

 My life is not meant to be wrapped up in negative thoughts.  
I turned around at my usual spot and began my bike ride home.
On the way home, I breathed deeply, inhaling the fresh air and feeling my lungs expand, not recalling the last time I felt this way.

I paid attention to my surroundings.  The vibrant purple wildflowers, the crops swaying in the breeze, the woods in the distance.  

I suddenly felt inspired.  Something I hadn’t felt in a long time.  I had all kinds of ideas in my head; I couldn’t wait to get home and pour them all out onto paper.  

In this moment, my passion for writing feels revived; I feel the spark again; I feel creative; I feel content.

In this moment, I feel great.



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Friday, July 12, 2013

Mental Illness and Addiction in Movies


I always feel better when I find someone who understands.  

Understands what being bipolar means, understands what being an alcoholic means.  I’m not constantly depressed anymore, like I was a few weeks ago.  So I don’t necessarily need a lot of comfort and reassurance right now.  When I’m low, though, I need tons.

One thing I do when I’m really down and can’t bring myself to talk to anyone is listen to music that seems to understand me.  What helps me more is watching movies that seem to understand.  Even if what I’m watching is full of fictional characters, watching movies that portray bipolar disorder, depression, or alcoholism really helps me feel less alone and more “normal.”

There are countless movies that have been made that portray an array of mental illnesses and addictions.  I’ll just go into the ones that I most relate to, the ones I can watch over and over and they always have the same impact.

Prozac Nation is based upon the best-selling memoir by Elizabeth Wurtzel, and it depicts her struggle with clinical depression.  I read the book first, and related to it, and this was before I’d been diagnosed as bipolar.  By the time I saw the movie, I could completely identify with it.  Not everyone will be a fan of the book (or the movie), in part because sometimes it drags on and maybe becomes a bit tedious.  But that’s how depression is.  I like that it mirrors the disorder.

Girl, Interrupted  is another movie based upon a memoir, by Susanna Kaysen.  I also read this memoir before seeing the movie, and I love both.  In this movie, the main character has actually been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  I can still relate.  Many of the symptoms of bipolar disorder overlap with symptoms of borderline traits.  I definitely exhibit some borderline traits, which is why I think I can relate to this movie so much.  In the film, Susanna (Winona Ryder) is sent to a mental institution where she learns a lot about herself and others.  If for nothing else, watch this for Angelina Jolie, who is luminous as a sociopath.

My new favorite movie is Silver Linings Playbook.  From the first preview I saw, I knew I’d love it.  This movie centers around a male character (Bradley Cooper) with bipolar disorder and a female character (Jennifer Lawrence) with, I’m guessing, undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.  It’s the first movie I’ve seen in a long time that draws awareness to mental illness, and specifically bipolar disorder.  The characters are real.  The dialogue is believable.  When I first saw it, it wasn’t necessarily the ending I expected, but now I like it.  I can relate to this movie in various ways.  Fantastic.

28 Days is my favorite movie about alcoholism.  Sandra Bullock plays a character who is forced into rehab due to her drinking.  I see a lot of myself in this.  The stories aren’t completely the same, but the feelings, emotions – those are all there.  I watched this a few times right after I quit drinking.  It was like going to an AA meeting when there wasn’t one to go to.  I just felt less alone, and felt like I could do this.  It’s just a great movie.

Come Early Morning is another movie about alcoholism, and one that I could relate to.  It’s a fairly simple movie with a fairly simple storyline, but it is realistic.  The emotions expressed by the characters (played by Ashley Judd and Laura Prepon) feel genuine, and when it comes to addiction, that’s what really matters.  I just love any movie in which the characters undergo a transformation for the better.

An absolutely wonderful movie about alcoholism, starring Denzel Washington, is Flight.  I wasn’t sure what to think going into this, but I’m so glad I did.  I couldn’t relate to everything in this movie, as the storyline centers around an alcoholic pilot who crashes his plane, but I could definitely identify with parts of it.  It’s a must-see for any alcoholic.

This is an abridged list of movies, as I’ve always been interested in psychology and mental illness - and now addiction.  There are so many more educational and entertaining movies about mental illness and addiction out there if you’re interested in seeing them.  Just Google.  See if you can relate to any or if any remind you of someone you love.








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Friday, July 5, 2013

The Heart of the Matter


I’ve been thinking…I know, scary.  I have a hard time letting go.  Okay, that’s an understatement.  I have a really hard time letting go.  I still miss our old house and feel violated by the people who live there now.  It’s been like two years, by the way.  And that’s nothing compared to how long it takes me to get over people.  Not necessarily ex-boyfriends, but friends.  Friends drift apart in life.  It apparently happens.  It just takes me a long time to come to terms with it.

I don’t like to think that I hold grudges…I mean, I don’t want to…but there are things that happened a long time ago that still upset me when I think about them.  I want to learn to move past stuff and let it go…let it be.  Forgive.  It’s hard for me.

I know logically that holding grudges and holding on to negative feelings is only hurting me, and doing nothing to the person who’s upset me.  I just need to make that logic take over my emotions and really understand it.  I envy people who can just “let things roll off their back.”  I only wish I were that way.

In doing some reading of positive psychology lately, I’m seeing that there are ways to change oneself.  Sometimes I wonder how much can be changed and how much are core personality traits.  
I think of the Serenity Prayer daily.  I know that helps me.  It makes so much sense.  I think this is something a lot of people struggle with…knowing what can be changed and what can’t.  I wish life came with an instruction manual.

I’m trying not to let things bother me…things beyond my control…other people’s behavior or opinions of me.  I want to be confident in my own skin.  I think I’m better than I used to be…but not where I want to be yet.

In order to achieve happiness, I have to learn to let go of the past…of the negative…of the actions of others that really say nothing about me and everything about them.  Does this come naturally to some people, or does everyone have to work on this?  For me, it comes down to the Don Henley song (I tend to like the India.Arie version, though.)  Anyway, it’s about forgiveness.  Forgiving others and forgiving yourself.  Maybe that’s the hardest part.
I know I rely on feedback too much.  If I’m not getting positive feedback, I always assume the worst.  I guess I need to adopt the adage that no news is good news.

I kind of thought by this age I’d know who I am.  Maybe it’s not about age.  I think some people can go their whole lives trying to figure themselves out.  My goal is to find the answer sooner rather than later.  I think if I can forgive myself for the bad things I’ve done, I might forgive others more easily, and discover myself beneath the layers of the past.  It’s about forgiveness.

I’m working on it.


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About Me

I have an MA in literature from Eastern Michigan University and I write a couple of regular columns for The Delphos Herald. I am the mother of two young girls, and the wife of a firefighter. I am also bipolar (with generalized anxiety disorder) which somewhat accounts for my occupied mind. I rely on sarcasm the way others rely on oxygen.
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