You Are Perfect to Me


A lot of times my anxiety is worse than my depression.  My walk-in closet always reflects my mental state, and right now it’s a mess.  It’s not even that things are going badly…things are going relatively well…very well, actually.  The thing is…

I’m so afraid I’ll screw it up.

I have a lot of writing jobs right now; I’m busier than ever.  I also just accepted a long-term sub job teaching English and literature, my specialties, but I’ve always had insecurities about my abilities.  I think I’m a good teacher…I just doubt myself at the same time.

I am constantly exhausted…thinking all the time wears my brain out.  I’ve always had insomnia issues, and when I’m super busy, like now, I just can’t shut my brain off at night.  I hate it.  I tell myself to stop worrying, that it’ll all be okay.  I relax a little bit sometimes when I tell myself that, but it doesn’t always work.

Maybe I should get back into yoga…sip more chamomile tea…I don’t know.  I have Ativan, but because of my addiction issues, I try not to take it.  I always wonder if there are more natural ways to soothe my anxiety.  I have always been this way.  My 7-year-old carries a dragon around with her wherever she goes.  I had a worry stone when I was her age.

Of course, the depression and anxiety are linked.  When I’m anxious, it depresses me.  I so wish I knew what it felt like to have a “normal” brain.

I try to fake confidence, and I think it works usually.  I just long for the day when it’s real, and not an act.  Will that day ever come?  I wonder if others feel this way.  Like, does Oprah ever feel this way?  It doesn’t seem possible.

I try to think of myself in third person.  What would I tell myself if I were somebody else?  I’d tell this girl to relax.  You are fine.  You are loved.  You don’t need to worry.

Someday maybe I’ll believe this for myself.