You Are Perfect to Me
A lot of times my anxiety is worse than my depression. My walk-in closet always reflects my mental state, and right now it’s a mess. It’s not even that things are going badly…things are going relatively well…very well, actually. The thing is…
I’m so afraid I’ll screw it up.
I have a lot of writing jobs right now; I’m busier than ever. I also just accepted a long-term sub job teaching English and literature, my specialties, but I’ve always had insecurities about my abilities. I think I’m a good teacher…I just doubt myself at the same time.
I am constantly exhausted…thinking all the time wears my brain out. I’ve always had insomnia issues, and when I’m super busy, like now, I just can’t shut my brain off at night. I hate it. I tell myself to stop worrying, that it’ll all be okay. I relax a little bit sometimes when I tell myself that, but it doesn’t always work.
Maybe I should get back into yoga…sip more chamomile tea…I don’t know. I have Ativan, but because of my addiction issues, I try not to take it. I always wonder if there are more natural ways to soothe my anxiety. I have always been this way. My 7-year-old carries a dragon around with her wherever she goes. I had a worry stone when I was her age.
Of course, the depression and anxiety are linked. When I’m anxious, it depresses me. I so wish I knew what it felt like to have a “normal” brain.
I try to fake confidence, and I think it works usually. I just long for the day when it’s real, and not an act. Will that day ever come? I wonder if others feel this way. Like, does Oprah ever feel this way? It doesn’t seem possible.
I try to think of myself in third person. What would I tell myself if I were somebody else? I’d tell this girl to relax. You are fine. You are loved. You don’t need to worry.
Someday maybe I’ll believe this for myself.