Riding out Depression


Lately I’ve been up and down, up and down…being bipolar is awesome.  I hate it.

Seriously, though, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.  I’m still working on getting my meds adjusted…it’s a long process.
I’ve been forcing myself to leave the house even though I don’t want to sometimes…at all.  Once I do get out and go for a bike ride or visit a friend, I do feel better.  It’s just the matter of getting out of the house that’s so hard.

Sunny days don’t do it for me…as I’ve said before, if I’m depressed, the sun is just more pressure to be happy.  A good, long thunderstorm is my favorite summer weather.  I just feel more…balanced.

When I’ve been “up” lately it hasn’t been to the point of mania…which is when I do my best writing.  I just feel like I’m out of fuel or something.  It’s frustrating.  I want to be inspired, and full of creativity and energy.  But right now everything I do is a struggle.
I am better than I was in my long, deep depression…right now I still have depressed days…but they don’t seem to linger forever in a row like they were.  Like I said, it’s a long process.

I still cry really easily right now, so I know I’m not there yet…when I’m in a pretty good mood, that doesn’t happen.  But I’ve been so emotional lately…sometimes I just desperately want to trade bodies with someone else, someone who’s well-balanced, just to see what that feels like…

I am finding that the more I write and talk about this, the more other people speak up and tell me about themselves.  I think that’s great.  We’ve had some new members coming to the support group, too.  I think our group has been great for everyone involved.  I know it’s been great for me.

So despite the gloominess I’ve been feeling periodically lately, I am trying really hard to force myself into action, as impossible as it seems.  Some days I don’t succeed.  But I won’t give up, as much as I want to sometimes.  Now when I’m tempted to throw in the towel, I’ll try for a bike ride instead.