In This Moment, I Feel Great
I had to see the sunrise.
As I stared at the clock, 6 a.m., I felt that I should get up and take my bike ride now, because something unnamed within me wanted, needed, to see the sunrise.
So instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, as I normally would if I’d woken that early, I jumped out of bed. For some reason there was a sense of urgency within me, telling me to hurry. I ran around and threw on some gym shorts and a tank top, piled my hair in a bun, and swallowed my morning medications. Then – where were my headphones? I always kept them in the same place; where were they? I scrambled around, searching for them, becoming impatient. I found a different pair and ran outside to get on my bike.
It was such a foreign feeling to be awake at this hour, and not because I was still awake from the night before. The air was crisp and cool, the town was still asleep. The sun had not yet risen. It was that perfect part of the day, the quiet, still interval between night and day.
I felt the cool breeze on my skin as I rode through town, turning onto the same road I always do to head into the country.
Once I turned the corner, I could see in the distance the faint beginning of the sunrise, not quite yet visible, but getting ready to make its appearance. For some reason, I felt a stirring of excitement, a tingling throughout my whole body. Seeing this sunrise felt…meant to be.
Then I saw an orange glow surrounded by yellow and pink hues, peeking out beyond the horizon. It was beautiful. I parked my bike on the side of the road to take a picture. It was breathtaking, with the rays of light shining upon the dewy grass, sparkling like diamonds. All the crops were also dripping with morning dew, and the sun shone on them, making the landscape sparkle. Everything was illuminated.
I stared at the entire scene a while, soaking it all in, loving the feeling of being completely alone with nature, yet feeling completely surrounded at the same time.
I eventually got back on my bike and started pedaling again as the sun slowly rose higher. I didn’t stop watching it, appreciating what this bright orb did to everything its rays touched.
I had to stop and take another picture; the scenery just grabbed me again. The sun was getting higher now. I rode along some more and took one final picture. It was just too dazzling not to.
I decided that would be the end of the pictures and I would take my bike ride. I rode along, listening to my iPod, whizzing by the cornfields that surrounded me on both sides, loving how the sun continued to beautify everything it touched. I was feeling invigorated, free, light – I wasn’t thinking about anything.
And suddenly I noticed that.
I felt happy. My mind felt blank. I was just being. I wasn’t doing or thinking.
I felt great.
And that is when my wonderful mind started thinking. All the familiar thoughts began seeping in, and I started to feel weaker, my chest caving in, my stomach in knots – what always happens when these thoughts overtake me. I really need to work on myself. I care too much about what other people think. What if no one likes my book? What if I’m not a good writer? What if I don’t get into school?
What if, what if, what if?
In the midst of my mental downward spiral, I looked at the sun, and realized it was following me. It was getting brighter and brighter, higher and higher, bigger and bigger. I kept riding along as I noticed this, when I was interrupted by another voice, stronger than mine.
What are you doing?! You were just having an amazing, carefree moment. Why are you ruining it? You were happy. These thoughts will be here later. Right now, dismiss them, and enjoy this moment.
In this moment, you feel great.
In this moment, I do feel great, I told myself. Why am I ruining it?!
Although the negative thoughts kept coming, I watched them pass right in front of me and stopped entertaining them. I kept looking at the sun, and it was as if an entity outside of myself was telling me something.
I don’t know if it was God, or some sort of higher power, or nature, or the sun itself, but it really hit me. I began to feel lighter again, the weight slowly lifting from my chest, the knots in my stomach unraveling.
My life is not meant to be wrapped up in negative thoughts.
I turned around at my usual spot and began my bike ride home.
On the way home, I breathed deeply, inhaling the fresh air and feeling my lungs expand, not recalling the last time I felt this way.
I paid attention to my surroundings. The vibrant purple wildflowers, the crops swaying in the breeze, the woods in the distance.
I suddenly felt inspired. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I had all kinds of ideas in my head; I couldn’t wait to get home and pour them all out onto paper.
In this moment, my passion for writing feels revived; I feel the spark again; I feel creative; I feel content.
In this moment, I feel great.