I Am Gray Today


I wish I could hang out with Eeyore.

I am very gray today.  I’ve been depressed for a couple weeks now.  I haven’t felt like this since we moved.  I know what started it; our basement flooded, and it was my favorite place to go.  I have nowhere to go and get away from my family now.  I am joking.  

Kind of.

Then my grandma died.  I am still super depressed about that, and I know that’s normal.  But it sucks.  My grief process was also interrupted in a way I can’t talk about here because it’ll only cause trouble.  I basically just feel like I’m not allowed to express my grief in the best way I know how.  Cryptic, I know.  The bottom line is, I’m depressed.

I don’t feel like showering.  I don’t feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone.  I feel like my body weighs a thousand pounds.  I cry.  I am forcing myself to write, even though I don’t want to.

I don’t feel like eating, and when I do, I want comfort food.  I sort of just wander aimlessly around the house or sit and stare.  I listen to music to drown out the world.

I don’t know when this will end.  

I know other things have contributed to it…I recently lost a friend, and that’s also complicated. I also witnessed another friend attempt suicide…or, at least, she hurt herself badly, in front of me…I want to help everyone and make all their problems go away, but I can’t.  How can I help anyone else right now when I can’t even help myself?

I’ve been looking for the silver linings every day.  We recently got a puppy; I wanted something happy to happen.  I named her Pollyana after the girl who sees the world through rose-colored glasses.  Our puppy, as all puppies are, is a lot of work.  It’s been exhausting.

My whole body aches right now.  It’s also my time of the month, so lucky for Andy, I’m extra emotional.  This all might be a little too much info, but that’s who I am, I guess.  The girl who over-shares.

I want to force myself to go outside.  To take a walk.  To try to look pretty.  But it’s so hard.  I don’t care right now.  Nothing seems to matter.  I know this will all go away in time, like it always does.  Until it does, I wish the people around me understood more how this feels.  How it feels every time.  How it feels impossible.

I am gray today.