I Am Gray Today
I wish I could hang out with Eeyore.
I am very gray today. I’ve been depressed for a couple weeks now. I haven’t felt like this since we moved. I know what started it; our basement flooded, and it was my favorite place to go. I have nowhere to go and get away from my family now. I am joking.
Then my grandma died. I am still super depressed about that, and I know that’s normal. But it sucks. My grief process was also interrupted in a way I can’t talk about here because it’ll only cause trouble. I basically just feel like I’m not allowed to express my grief in the best way I know how. Cryptic, I know. The bottom line is, I’m depressed.
I don’t feel like showering. I don’t feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. I feel like my body weighs a thousand pounds. I cry. I am forcing myself to write, even though I don’t want to.
I don’t feel like eating, and when I do, I want comfort food. I sort of just wander aimlessly around the house or sit and stare. I listen to music to drown out the world.
I don’t know when this will end.
I know other things have contributed to it…I recently lost a friend, and that’s also complicated. I also witnessed another friend attempt suicide…or, at least, she hurt herself badly, in front of me…I want to help everyone and make all their problems go away, but I can’t. How can I help anyone else right now when I can’t even help myself?
I’ve been looking for the silver linings every day. We recently got a puppy; I wanted something happy to happen. I named her Pollyana after the girl who sees the world through rose-colored glasses. Our puppy, as all puppies are, is a lot of work. It’s been exhausting.
My whole body aches right now. It’s also my time of the month, so lucky for Andy, I’m extra emotional. This all might be a little too much info, but that’s who I am, I guess. The girl who over-shares.
I want to force myself to go outside. To take a walk. To try to look pretty. But it’s so hard. I don’t care right now. Nothing seems to matter. I know this will all go away in time, like it always does. Until it does, I wish the people around me understood more how this feels. How it feels every time. How it feels impossible.
I am gray today.