My Own Worst Enemy
I am without a doubt my own worst enemy. It’s always been this way. I don’t remember a life without depression, or anxiety, or addiction issues. I’m a work in progress, always. I am constantly working on myself.
The drinking compounded my issues to no end…and yet why couldn’t I see that? I saw alcohol as a solution to my problems…when it was part of the root of them. In hindsight, I can’t believe how ridiculous I was. Some of the decisions I made…and they felt right, and valid at the time. How is that possible?
Even though I’ve been alcohol-free for more than 16 months, I still beat myself up over things I did when I was drinking. I haven’t forgiven myself for certain things. I know I need to; I know it’s the healthy thing to do…maybe it’ll just take time.
I really wish I could stop hating myself for so many reasons…I carry a lot of guilt around. Always have. I have to instruct my inner monologue to shut up sometimes. It doesn’t always listen. I don’t know sometimes where my disorders end and I begin. What characteristics are symptoms of being bipolar, and what traits are just me? How do I know? Who am I? I ask myself this a lot.
I’m always complimenting and encouraging other people – and it’s genuine – so why is it so hard to do that for myself? Am I alone here? Does anyone else feel that you’re your own worst enemy? I just wish I could get out of my way and accomplish all the things I want to in life. Fear holds me back sometimes. Why? What is so crippling about failure? And who am I afraid of failing? Me.
So I just ultimately wonder if this is a side effect of a disorder or if this is me…either way, it is no surprise to me that I’m my own worst enemy.