My Own Worst Enemy


I am without a doubt my own worst enemy.  It’s always been this way.  I don’t remember a life without depression, or anxiety, or addiction issues.  I’m a work in progress, always.  I am constantly working on myself.

The drinking compounded my issues to no end…and yet why couldn’t I see that?  I saw alcohol as a solution to my problems…when it was part of the root of them.  In hindsight, I can’t believe how ridiculous I was.  Some of the decisions I made…and they felt right, and valid at the time.  How is that possible?

Even though I’ve been alcohol-free for more than 16 months, I still beat myself up over things I did when I was drinking.  I haven’t forgiven myself for certain things.  I know I need to; I know it’s the healthy thing to do…maybe it’ll just take time.

I really wish I could stop hating myself for so many reasons…I carry a lot of guilt around.  Always have.  I have to instruct my inner monologue to shut up sometimes.  It doesn’t always listen.  I don’t know sometimes where my disorders end and I begin.  What characteristics are symptoms of being bipolar, and what traits are just me?  How do I know?  Who am I?  I ask myself this a lot.

I’m always complimenting and encouraging other people – and it’s genuine – so why is it so hard to do that for myself?  Am I alone here?  Does anyone else feel that you’re your own worst enemy?  I just wish I could get out of my way and accomplish all the things I want to in life.  Fear holds me back sometimes.  Why?  What is so crippling about failure?  And who am I afraid of failing?  Me.

So I just ultimately wonder if this is a side effect of a disorder or if this is me…either way, it is no surprise to me that I’m my own worst enemy.